Aug 31, 2010

A Wal*Mart Workout

Yesterday being my first day at 1500 calories, I was juiced to come in under my 1500 calories and I was 50 over. I wouldn't hear of it so I decided I wanted to burn them off with a little workout. I was in the market for some headphones to work out with, so I planned to go over to Wal*Mart, get the headphones, then hit the pavement. I pulled up to the parking lot and parked in the furthest spot (about 150 yards away) and started doing my fat-man version of a Richard Simmons power -walk to the door. The lot was on a slant so the walk uphill had my heart beating full force by the time I hit the door and the sweat started to bead up on my forehead. I felt so good I didn't stop when I hit the door, I kept hoofin' it back to the electronics section,  walking in place I grabbed some headphones and decided to keep jetting back to the auto section at the back corner of the store. I thought to myself, "I got a good thing goin' here" and I started going up and down each row. I moved through sporting goods, weaved through toys and back through electronics...

Now let me stop for a sec and make sure you have the picture here. If you are imagining a fat guy, waddling down the isle in a leisurely stroll, you aren't seeing it. It's more like a giant ball of furry, billowing down the isle in a huffing and puffing, leaning into the turns, hope I don't lose traction and take out an old woman kind of way. Now that we are clear...

... I moved through sporting goods, weaved through toys and back through electronics. I hit the short baby supply isles and went full bore into frozen food. "Freekin' Butter!!!!", I screamed in my head as burned past the dairy isle. I started to get pissed as I passed the food that once held so much power over me. My anger pushed me even more to the point I was half walking, half chunky-man jogging. People started to look at me like I was crazy...and they weren't far off to think so. The last isle was the bread isle. I started to jog to the finish and out of spite for my doughy nemesis, turned the corner and ran the bread isle one more time just as a stick-it-to-ya...... I slow down as I approach the cash register to keep the tiny Asian lady from any assumptions that I would run her over. Luckily there was no one in her express lane. Sweating, huffing & puffing, I through the headphones I had been carrying on the conveyor belt. Kim, my poor checkout lady, starts to look up with a smile that quickly turned to alarm and concern as her eyes met my face. She stared at me as she scanned my 1 item and gave me my total. By the look on her face I can only assume she was working out in her mind if she should pull out her billy club from underneath her register in preparations to defend herself or if she should be ready to call 911 if I dropped dead in front of her. Luckily she said nothing but "Have a nice day". I walked out of the store in cool-down fashion, my knees wobbling a little in rebellion. By the time I reached my car I had gained composure and I started busting out laughing in the parking lot. If anyone from the store had seen me laughing out loud in the parking lot, their thoughts about me being crazy would have been confirmed. I think all the celery is getting to my brain.

7 comments:

  1. Be careful walking fast through Wal-Mart! Someone might think you work there!

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  2. Holy crap! LMAO. I seriously hope you did this, you painted a great visual. And I totally get the running down the bread aisle as a big old Screw You. My daughter and I have had marathon sessions in walmart also. Usually we've been there too long, start cirlcling the bakery, and then start yelling at each other to get the hell out of the store asap. We are our own team. You cracked me up - thanks!

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  3. Ok Mike you had me so intrigued and I laughed alot and can't wait for your next life changing moment man I think you are so awesome and I don't know if you have thought about it but you really should take lots of pics and write a book you are so talented!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  4. Ha, ha! So funny and I loved it.

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  5. I can't believe I missed this the first time. I'm really glad you linked to it today because this is HILARIOUS and very well written. I could see you every sweat-drop of the way.

    I don't know what Mandy's talking about though, I've never seen an Wal Mart employee walk that fast through a store - unless it was to clock out.

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  6. LOL... I'm a new follower working my way through your blogs here so I get the full scope of who you are and I told myself I wasn't going to comment until the end but this one was too great not to tell you so!! Love the visual this painted in my mind:-) I especially love the fact that I was at a local Wal-Mart not too long ago when I saw a lady doing this in much the same fashion, however she was thin as a rail and said that it's her only exercise and she spends enough at the store she may as well get her money's worth. I just had to nod & agree... she was a feisty one.

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