1. To better hold myself accountable by being accountable to others.
2. To help other people who have to lose a significant amount of weight. Let people know they are not alone in the fight. Be a friend. Be real. Be open.
Motivation is an important part of helping people, but honesty, to me, is just as important. With that being said, here comes some honest truth.
In the first time in over a year, I gained weight. I am not talking about stepping on the scale the day after weigh in and seeing a couple pounds jump just to have it go down after a significant trip to the restroom, I am talking about a 2 week consistent gain that has me up 8 pounds. Karlie had a few pounds come back too.
It's pretty simple really. I simply didn't want to lose weight bad enough. My desire has not been there and so the focus, effort and habits reflected my desires. My friend Wendy shared a quote with me that describes "the problem" better than I could.
"Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions" - Elder Dallin H. OaksThe problem isn't exercise, I am doing that, I like it, I WANT to exercise. The desire to eat healthy is a whole different story. It started with picking. A couple of the kid's chips, a few candies here or there. I have given into a few splurges before. I crave Doritos all the time, every day no exceptions. I let myself have a small fun-size (whatever that means) once in a while (monthly) along this weight loss journey. Recently I let myself have them one once a week. I started to fall into old habits, making excuses for my actions. "I am going to reboot this next week" then it just didn't happen.
At one point, I found myself in the parking lot of a Taco Bell deciding if I was going to go through the drive-thru. I thought about an old post "Cravings: Drive By ... Don't Drive-Thru!" I felt sick. I felt as if I was about to completely betray myself and everything I have been working for. I drove away disgusted. No amount of self-deception could let me go there again. Even though I could no longer deceive myself so blatantly, the subtle here and there give-ins put the pounds on me over the past 2 weeks.
I came up with a phrase I have repeated many times when I mess up:
In taking my own advice I have admitted to myself, and now the world, that I have lost commitment. Know what have I learned from this so I can stop beating myself up and get to work?"Own itLearn from itGet over itGet on with it"
I need NEW reasons for losing weight. Things driving me to lose weight have already been accomplished. Getting rid of my CPAP machine, having more energy, being my "High School skinny" (350 pounds), not having to limit what I am able to do by my weight. While I realize that my perception of reaching an acceptable weight is greatly skewed, that is the way I looked at it.
I need to desire NEW things. I want to RUN a 5k not walk / run a 5K. I want to fit into a 2XL shirt not just find a few 3XL shirts at Kmart. I want to see the muscles I have been working hard to build. I have had to change my desire to refocus my priorities that will shape the choices that will determine my actions.
I maintain that the hardest aspect of long term weight loss is is being honest with yourself.
I'll take the true change even if it means I have to take all the suck with it.